Also, this was drafted in May 10, after the Roe v Wade overturn leak happened. At that time, Stephen Breyer was still on the Supreme Court. Now, Breyer has retired for Kentanji Brown Jackson to take his place.
Remember when Josh Hawley claimed he wouldn’t vote for Ketanji Brown Jackson just because she gave lenient sentences to pedophiles? Turns out the Supreme Court would find his comments unconstitutional.
Although Hawley apologized for isolating the GOP’s target base, the Supreme Court of the United States decided to protect them under the law. In the landmark case, Fogle v. Indiana, Subway celebrity Jared Fogle sued Indiana’s law enforcement for arresting him for child porn distribution. Fogle claimed that he should have been protected under the First Amendment, as it claims that all citizens have freedom of speech and artistic expression.
To our surprise, SCOTUS sided with Fogle 5–4. Although considering SCOTUS recently dissolved Roe v. Wade, allowing states to regulate child porn was the next step. First, they want to control women. Next, they want to control children. Bed Intruder singer Antoine Dodson saw the future 12 years ahead when he sang “Hide yo Kids, Hide yo Wives”.
Subway marketers sighed with relief, knowing the public will no longer have issues wondering if Subway sandwiches taste exactly like children. While the world can go back to eating these sandwiches guilt free, we were wondering what SCOTUS’s reasoning was behind this ruling. We turned on the TV to watch their opinion.
Clarence Thomas began just to get his few words over with.
“I vote in favor of Fogle. Child porn is not found in the Constitution. Regrettably.
“I want to see little girl pubic hair on this sacred document.”
The rest of the justices’ eyebrows rose. Sotomoyer’s jaw dropped. Kagan covered her mouth. Thomas continued.
“I saw no mention of child porn being banned. So I vote in favor.”
Brett Kavanaugh quickly chimed in.
“Please excuse Thomas’s introduction. His sexual deviant side is reemerging again. We’ll have to send him back to hypnosis therapy so that Sam Ervin Jr can reemerge once again.”
“What Thomas means to say is that the Constitution does not explicitly ban child pornography. As a staunch protector of the First Amendment, I will defend the right to artistic expression. I don’t care how fucked up kiddie porn videos are. I will defend to death works of art.
“Furthermore, I sexually assaulted a girl in college. I never gave a damn about women. Why should I care about kids? Kids are dumb, sensitive idiots. They’re just smaller women!”
John Roberts shook his head.
“I’m alarmed by Kavanaugh’s and Thomas’s choice of words. As a father of an adopted and intelligent daughter, I can’t condone little girl exploitation. That being said, I’m in favor of child pornography due to my support of huge corporations.
“I have ruled in favor of big businesses 14 out of 17 times under the Fourteenth Amendment. Yes, I know the Fourteenth Amendment is meant to protect citizens from illegal laws. But multi-millionaire corporations are people too. They’re the reason why many citizens have reasons to live.
“There’s substantial proof that businesses benefit greatly from the child sex trafficking market.
“My goal is to protect these businesses under due process of the law. The child porn market is very profitable, and I encourage these business to grow and create new jobs.
“This isn’t a conservative issue. Even my liberal colleague Stephen Breyer is all for increasing corporate power. We’re not evil. We just love the Fourteenth Amendment too much.”
Stephen Breyer jumped in.
“My colleague Roberts is twisting the truth. Yes, I’ve voted to weaken anti-trust laws. I’m in support of monopolies. Let’s say Microsoft Bing is the first search engine to recommend child porn to users. If Microsoft bought out all child pornography vendors and distributed their content privately through their own subscription service, then I could see why Roberts would think I support Fogle in his lawsuit
“However, I’m not Roberts. I put humanity over corporations. It was acceptable to have child brides when the Constitution was written. That was more than 300 years ago, and the world has changed significantly since. The Constitution is not meant to be taken literally. I will fight you to death over this. It’s why textualism justice Antonio Scalia died when he was in office. He lost his last breath after fighting with me over this for 2 years.
“Child pornography is abhorrent and I will not stand to see our future kids be manipulated by old boomers. I’ve seen Toddlers & Tiaras one time. That was one time too many. I can’t stand a more depraved version.”
Samuel Alito jumped in.
“I vote against Fogle.”
The rest of the conservative justices looked at Alito in shock. Kavanaugh mouthed “what are you doing?” to Alito. Alito continued.
“In Snyder v. Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church was sued for protesting in front of a veteran’s funeral. I was the only justice who dissented. I found Westboro’s insane harassment too extreme. The First Amendment doesn’t give people the right to act utterly intolerable in a civilized community. Child pornography is no different than Fred Phelp’s barbaric harassment. Both are exploiting others against their will.
“There should be a limit to this First Amendment madness. We need to keep decency in mind.”
Neil Gorsuch responded.
“The vote is 3–2 thanks to Benedict Alito. To account for his betrayal, I’m voting in favor of removing the ban on child pornography. I owe it to Donald Trump [now Brandon] to protect the sex tapes he made with his daughter.”
“Furthermore, I’ve always been anti-government and skeptical of democracy. Banning creative expression is a huge power that the government shouldn’t have. The Constitution lists no ban on artistic expression. As a strong believer in textualism and following the Constitution word for word, I will vote in favor of creating child porn for artistic merit.”
With the vote 4–2, the male justices stepped aside to let the female justices speak.
Elena Kagan began.
“Like Gorsuch, I too am a proponent of the First Amendment. However, I question Gorsuch’s claim that he follows the Constitution exactly as it’s written. He’s ignored textualism for conservative results. As shown in Epic Systems vs Lewis, Gorsuch agreed that just like Circuit City and AT&T Mobility, Epic Systems had the right to force workers or consumers to sign away their right to bring a class action. Nowhere does the Constitution say anything about employers removing the employees’ right to sue them.
“Gorsuch pivots by claiming this company’s power is protected under the Federal Arbitration Act. Even though this act says NO. SUCH. THING.
“Gorsuch doesn’t care about the Constitution. He just applies textualism wherever he sees fit. If he really cared about the Constitution, he would argue that Circuit City and AT&T Mobility should have lost their respective cases.”
Kagan paused to take a breath. She then continued.
“But I digress. If we can reference any later acts that weren’t written by our founding fathers, then I’ll bring up the Child Pornography Prevention Act of 1996. This states that any form of child pornography, real or fake children, is illegal. For this reason, I vote against it.”
Sonia Sotomayor slammed her palms.
“This is a resounding NO. Child porn stars are usually girls from poor, unstable families. Statistically, there’s a higher chance that those families are minorities. These girls were forced to do acts.
“I’m not racist. I’m stating facts. Why did child porn producer R. Kelly target only black girls? If he kidnapped white girls, police would have done something about it! People would be outraged over a black man raping a white girl. R. Kelly targeted black girls because he knew the public don’t give a shit about them.
“As a minority female, I will not stand to see little minority girls be exploited by old males to perform sex acts against their will.”
With 4–4, Amy Coney Barrett decided the final vote.
“I only care about abortions. I will do everything in my power to protect a child when they’re in the womb. Afterwards, I don’t give a shit about what happens to them. They can get killed by school shooters. They can grow up to be school shooters. They can be more depraved and become President of the United States.
“I frankly don’t care if these girls were forced to be porn stars. Props to them for having jobs at a young age. That is the mindset of the hard-working, blue-collar American.”
The final decision was now 5–4. Child porn production is now legal.
During his concluding remarks, Thomas mentioned that SCOTUS should reconsider R. Kelly’s trial and free him from jail once again.
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